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Wednesday, 01 October 2008

  • Nearly Blind

    It was always there, looming in my blind spot. Hovering at the edge of my consciousness, the possibility of nothing, this Atheism that rules me. I would always turn from it, seeing it as some dark chasm of self that pulled you into a despairing darkness that could never end. I shrieked from it, much more comfortable in the search for some experience that would enlighten me, something I could reference to the real world, that I could call my own and that would shield me from all skeptics and their depressing talk of naught. I wish for the world to be anything other then what it is, I feel filthy, uncertain and yet rock solid, nauseated as if stepping foot on firm ground for the first time in my life and not realizing how much wobbling actually went on before I got here. I wonder if some phantom had approached me, even some shadowy figure from my subconscious, at that pivotal moment in my life where I first picked up that psychology book and said to me "Before going any further, realize that if you should pursue the knowledge of self that it will chain your logic to the study of mind and body which will lead to the collapse of your now great love" if I would have continued. I never seemed to take to the prevailing idea that we all know ourselves, especially better then others, I could never put down a book ready to tell me of another way in which to look at myself. This urge is the most powerful desire that has ever possessed me, it has been with me from the age of 8 and has lead me through some very interesting places. Could I have turned down that book and excepted remaining ignorant of the depths of my own problems for the sake of the greatest love I've ever known? I don't know, but I wish I had been given the chance to decided. I hate feeling I've come to some abrupt stop after being pushed along by some domino effect.

    She needs a spiritual man, for all our little problems the one thing I never thought could crack this relationship did, faith. I know I'm in love, not by how powerful the passion strikes me, no, that was the mistake I made all too often with women of little intellect or reason. No, I know I'm in love because of the insanity I go through mentally and emotionally over this woman. As it is we are no longer getting married, I don't know if we're even going out anymore but she doesn't want to throw me out, doesn't even want me to go back to California with my family (not that I would). She's started talking about how much she's been changing lately, how she's confused about her own beliefs and can't stand that I don't have any. She doesn't even know if the person she'll end up as will believe in marriage, how did I become attached to this, where have I gone wrong and how could I be so fucking foolish. These are the questions I ask myself consistently through out my day, she encourages me to promote that I'm single, to even see other chicks but wants to still be a roomie with me and fuck. I need to stay here because I'll sleep on the street before I go back to California and I don't make enough to pay for a place of my own. I've assured her that regardless of what happens that I wont harm myself and she too has made this promise. She is the only thing that brings light into my world, and now I am so dark that she can't stay.

    I'm in my own head all day, I think about the book I'm writing mostly or Barry my head in some book I buy fro Borders or get from the library, so much so that I'm nearly blind to the things that go on around me. I think of this relationship, how it's been, where it's going, how it'll end, the prospect of starting new with someone else. I can only laugh at the macabre beauty of it all, I must be going mad.

Monday, 22 September 2008

  • unengaged

    I am no longer engaged, the relationship is moving along one day at a time. I wont go into details as she doesn't like when I write about our problems... which will of course change should she choose to "take a break" or dump me outright. For now though I am in trying to function in a myst of confusion, everything I've come to enjoy and love is up in the air at this moment and i'm not quite sure how to feel about it.

Sunday, 21 September 2008

  • Mint 1979 Cadillac Eldorado

    Someone at work introduced me to this gentlemen who was looking to sell a nice Cadillac for 7k, she insisted on my seeing the car because of how nice it was and because she knew I needed one. When we get there I see this brand new car with no rust, shiny paint and spotless clean leather interior. There was still the smell of new leather, it only had 70k miles on it and when I had decieded I NEEDED to have this car the car said he's give it to me for 5,500. He owns some kind of family business, all his cars were new BMWs or Lexus models, the car belonged to a relative who wanted a new jag so he was looking to just get rid of it but was too lazy to go advertise. His family didn't think he was ever going to sell it because he never made any atempts, it was only when someone brought a potential buyer to his doorstep that any prgoress was made. He's told me to take my time getting the money as he has no plans of advertising the car so there is no compition and he knows I work at Sams Club, which is where I met the person who introduced me to him, a good friend with the family. I've never been this lucky in my life, I can't wait to have this car and post it all over my myspace so my younger brother and seeth with envy that my car so compeltely out does his handed down matrix our father gave him, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! With any luck My fiance's father will co sign for a loan from the bank for 5,500 once we get her into Sams so she can help pay off the loan. I plan on getting full coverage insurance and being a cocky prick as I drive my awesome fucking Cadillac, and if I should decide I prefer money I might just turn around and sell the car for 15k buy a used car from a dealership for 5k and poket the rest of the money... but I think I might just hang on to this car.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

  • The End

    "Find a solution" she says. "What do you mean find a solution, I don't have all the answers!" he replys "yes you do, you're just not applying your self because you don't care!" she screams at him. He can say nothing in return, who was she to tell him what the limits of his mind were, he knew what was and wasn't beyond himself and he could see no solution to her problem. He shouldn't care, should probably just drop it but he can't, he can't allow her to think this way, but he can't gather his thoughts long enough to spit out a response. Then it happens, he can feel it, the all too familiar surge of adrenaline, the frustration, anger, even hatred that flows through his veins, burning him up like lava from within. He should calm down, take a breather, count to 10 but it's too late and he's too worked up to stop it. Helpless before his own emotions he grabs a miniature baseball bat he meant to put away a long time ago and swings at the smaller of the two TVs in the living room. He's hit it 4 times, smashing it nearly to bits before she even registers what's going on "STOP IT! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!". He ignores her before moving on to the surround sound system that isn't his, he shouldn't break it but he doesn't care, his rage is shouting directions in his ear "smash it" it says "you'll feel better". He smashes, he doesn't feel better, he turns to his computer his last refuge in life and knows that if he breaks it, it's only a matter of time before he kills himself. There will be nowhere else to turn to, no escape from the problems in his own life that either have no solution or he simply isn't smart enough to solve. He smashes, repeatedly, she's screaming something but he can no longer make sense of the words, nor does he care to. He hits it repeatedly denting the casing, drop kicking it to it's side before jumping high in the air and landing with all the force he can muster atop of it. The hard drive gives way, he hears the loud bang and several verity of snaps and he knows it's beyond repair. He turns to her, she is still screaming, tears streaming down her cheeks and he can feel nothing but disgust. Not for her but for himself and his own inability to release his sorrow, his envy of her only helps to fuel the monster within, it feasts and gorges itself on the heat of his emotions before taking action yet again. Tired of the endless cycle of fighting and expectations he throws his bat at the large plate of glass that is the front window of the apartment, it shatters. While she is turned around he makes his way out the back door and starts the scale the apartment, running after him she is still screaming but her words make no sense. She grabs his ankle and he kicks her in the face, breaking her nose, just another reason to keep climbing, he knows he can never forgive himself for what he has just done. She lay on the ground outside, dazed and helpless, only finding the energy to move herself again when she sees him disappear over ledge of the roof. Moving with all the strength in her body she runs around to the side of the building, she knows if she climbs he'll have already jumped before she gets to the top, maybe she can catch him. He steps to the edge of the building nearest to the driveway, where there is hard pavement, it's just tall enough that should he leap head first his head will split like a watermelon. Closing his eyes he's taken back to an obscure memory in his past, of being 7 years old and playing outside with his friends who names he no longer remembers. The air rushes all about him, he knows any second now he'll be free, free from hate and anger, sorrow and pain, why bother thinking about what could have been when it was so unlikely that it ever could be so... the end.

Saturday, 13 September 2008

  • Best $25 i've ever spent in my life

    Black Stone Cherry, Theory Of a Dead Man, Seether. This is the order the bands played in, it was a small two tier university auditorium that seated under 300 people and tickets were first come first served. Thankfully my fiance surprised me with them out of nowhere because this night fucking rocked. The music started great with Black Stone Cherry and got even better, before ending with the most awesome musical experience of my life thus far. I guess as I've been considering giving up on all thoughts of making it in the music biz my fiance freaked out, in an effort to rekindle my romance with music and see my first concert (the one before it doesn't count, I wasn't really all there anyway) she bought tickets for this show and a NIN concert on Nov. 17. Well it worked, I'm thoroughly pumped and back on track and completely, utterly ecstatic about the NIN concert. I really can't imagine doing much else with my life but music, so it's back to writing, singing, rapping and screaming for me.

HumeTheKitch

  • Visit HumeTheKitch's Xanga Site
    • Name: Ammon
    • Birthday: 2/16/1985
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 4/18/2008

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About Me

  • I look to devour the weaknesses in others, I feed off the hatred of the world and regurgitate purity and wisdom. I am forever bound by darkness but my aspirations feed my hope. I follow no man or god but for this am lost in a sea of confusion, conflict and hypocrisy from which there is no escape. Eris whispers to me the secrets of her way, God brings to light the sense in her nonsense and neither of them are spiritual but rather symbols for the struggle between chaos and order, overwhelming emotion and cold calculating logic that resides within me and that I see reflected in the world around me. I am happily engaged to the only woman who seems to understand me. One of the few people to actually love me unconditionally, and trust me this has be put to the test. I am outwardly stable and articulate, which hides the swirling emotional chaos within that spills out to the determent of others at inappropriate times. I suspect I have BPD but I simply know I have complex PTSD.

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